Friday, June 20

In Which I Connect With Nature

I went outside last night, guys.

It was awful.

I think our part of Florida is quite possibly the most humidity-prone area of the entire world (except for like maybe the Amazon rainforest or Mars or something). So that combined with temperatures that rival the torrid surface of the Sun can cause slight discomfort to the brave few who choose to venture outdoors in summer.


So there I was, walking around downtown Pensacola, outside in the summer.

I've never tried swimming in a giant bowl of steaming hot clam chowder before, but I imagine it feels about like walking around downtown Pensacola, outside in the summer.

So there I was, walking and walking and walking and walking and walking, and sweating even more than I was walking, when suddenly my whole evening was brightened by a factor of twelve.

I made a friend.

Everyone, this is Shellton. He's kind of quiet and very shy, but I'm sure he's doing his best to say hello to you all.

In the short time I spent with Shellton last night, I feel like we got to know each other pretty well. He's obviously adorable and sensitive. He was a great listener, too.

In fact, come to think of it, he didn't say a word all night....

And that's the one thing about Shellton that's not so great.

He's dead. And he kind of stinks. A lot.

But true friendship knows no bounds. I was just a girl looking to connect with nature, and he was just...well, a dead crab. We were a perfect match, and I enjoyed a wonderful time with my new - albeit odoriferous - friend.

Sadly, I ended up having to ditch him in the grass because I really think he was kinda into me and as a general rule I don't date crustaceans, so that was the end of my short friendship with Shellton the Dead Crab, and also probably the last time I try to connect with nature.

Nature smells bad, so while I am happy to enjoy it in moderation, you'll not find me living off the land. Give me my iced coffee, puh-leeezz.

The moral of this story is: Every night can be an adventure when you go barefoot and make friends with dead crabs, but don't feel bad if you end up deciding that you're better suited for living off an iced latte than living off the land.

And that's what happens when Meredith goes outside.

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