I've had this blog since I was thirteen, which now feels like an actual eternity ago, even though it's only eight years. It's funny though, it feels like in a lot of ways, I continue learning the same things and making the same posts over and over again. I'm not sure why I often have the desire to share my thoughts when I've been learning something, and I don't know if anyone (besides my mom, of course) will even read this. Maybe I hope they will, and maybe I hope that it will help someone else, or help someone understand me more, or even just that it will help me understand myself more. Either way, I feel like I've been going through a very transformative time recently and I wanted to share what I've been learning.
I graduated from college four months ago. Almost immediately following my graduation, I traveled to several different universities around the country to audition for masters programs. The experience was almost entirely positive, but all throughout the process I felt acutely aware of what a vulnerable position I was in. I no longer had the security blanket of a college student status; I was a young musician with no real backup plan, putting my entire future in the hands of a graduate admissions committee.
As stressful as that process was, it was at least something to keep me busy. Once I finished my auditions, I had to come home. I've been doing a little bit of work for the school I just graduated from, which is really cool but also really awkward when you've just recently graduated. I no longer feel like I fit in with all the students, but I also don't fit in with all of the faculty members. Even when I'm at home, everyone knows that I'll be moving to a different town to start my masters degree in a few months, so things feel different even there.
Basically, for the last four months, I've felt like I don't belong anywhere anymore. Being your own person and having to make your own schedule is really hard when you've been in school for the last seventeen years straight and then all of a sudden you aren't. In a lot of ways it helps to know that I just have a few months to go and I'll be starting over in a new place, but in other ways that makes it harder because I can't truly settle in to what I'm doing here. A weird side effect of feeling out of place everywhere you go is you often feel worthless even when you're accomplishing and growing a lot.
There have been many times in my life where God places me in what feel like extended periods of transition or uncertainty. I'm someone who always likes to know exactly what is going on and what to do in any situation, so these periods are always very uncomfortable for me. But as over time I've started to recognize these periods more easily, I've also started to realize and accept that the same God who created me with this desire to know is the same God who is teaching me to wait and trust.
The past four months of transition have hardly been one of my favorite times of my life, but they definitely haven't been bad. I've constantly had to struggle with reconciling my feelings with what I know to be true. I've learned and done more than I ever could have imagined, I've seen some amazing performances, I've interacted with some beautiful people. Despite feeling very out of place and questioning my worth as a person, God's hand has been very evident over the last few months and they have been incredibly fruitful.
I know that everything is going to be okay, and I know that even now things are already okay, but I don't always feel like it. And I think that's okay. The reason I feel out of place is because I'm ready to grow and become something new, something stronger and more developed. I'm proud of everything that I accomplished so far this year because it was really hard to get up and continue living my life every day when everything felt so wildly uncomfortable. I've had a few breakdowns, but I'm thankful for those too because I know that's when I can have the most intimate encounters with God's mercy and healing. This semester has been invaluable to make me aware that absolutely nothing that I've accomplished is of my own strength. God made me weak and shook my confidence in myself to show me that He can still do great things through me, even when I feel worthless.
I am now in desperate need of some coffee, so I'm going to wrap this up here. If you made it this far, thank you for reading my thoughts and sharing this with me. I hope maybe it helps you or has encouraged you! God is never not aware of what's going on in your life, and everything happens for a reason. Knowing is always more comfortable, but sometimes trusting and waiting is where we can truly grow.
