Sunday, August 23

I have no idea what I'm doing

Summer is drawing to a close, and honestly I could not be happier. Tomorrow will be my first day as an official college student, which is only mildly terrifying. I think I would be much more anxious had I not dual enrolled for two years already. One of the questions that adults like to ask me a lot is "What part of being a college student are you most looking forward to?"

Honestly, I'm just excited that I'm not going to have to try to explain dual enrollment to everyone anymore, because that always got overly complicated.

Person: So what year are you in school?
Me: Well, I'm technically a freshman in college, but I'm also a junior in high school.
Person: *looks confused* Well um. Isn't that different.

Starting college really doesn't feel like that big of a deal to me. Maybe it's because I'm taking almost exclusively music classes, which I feel pretty comfortable with. Or maybe it's because I'm an idiot. Or maybe a combination of the two.

Even though I don't necessarily recommend that anyone take advice from me about how to do life, one thing that has really helped me was realizing that I don't have any idea what I'm doing. As I was growing up I cultivated kind of an elitist mindset within myself, which I think came from feigning confidence at all the music competitions I did throughout the years. I got used to people thinking I was a big fish without even stopping to consider the size of the pond I was swimming in (let me just tell you, the pond was very small indeed). Thusly, I got to thinking that I kind of knew what was up and thought I was hot stuff. Aaaand then I had to start applying to college and registering for classes and buying textbooks and looking for a job and doing other adulty things while also finishing up high school, practicing piano, and trying to maintain a normal life aside from all that.

I quickly came to realize that not only is life very difficult and often requires a lot of paperwork, but also that I do not, in fact, have the slightest clue what I'm doing.

And even worse, I had to admit that there are other people out there who actually know better than I do! *gasps of shock and horror*

Even though it was kind of humbling for me initially to ask people for help (because asking someone for help is a nonverbal recognition of the fact that they know more than you do), now I've learned that most people are willing and happy to help you out in a very kind way.

If I had decided to continue pretending that I know what's up, there's a good chance I would be a lot stupider than I am now.

Basically what I've learned already this semester is that before you can get your life together, you have to admit to yourself that you don't have a clue, and then let people help you figure things out.

So maybe it is a little dorky that I still want my mom to go walk around campus with me while I try to find my classrooms for the first day (even though I only have classes in two buildings), but I really don't care. It makes no sense to go into an institution of higher learning thinking that you have it all figured out. The whole point of being there is to learn new things and find your own personal strengths (and weaknesses) and to grow as a person and flourish. So admit to yourself that you don't know everything and you're going to need help along the way, and don't be embarrassed about needing help sometimes, because trust me - everyone else does, too.

So even though I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm very excited to do it anyway, and I hope all of you (if you're still out there for me) will have an amazing, clueless semester!

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