Monday, April 28

I Don't Volunteer

One of the latest developing fandoms is the Hunger Games fandom. And even though I wouldn't say I'm a member of the fandom, I did read the books and I've been watching the movies. And I am kind of a fan of the whole shebang. But not a member of the fandom. A fan, but not a fangirl. Get it?

But I was thinking last night while I was methodically raising and lowering heavy objects to develop muscular strength (because "lifting weights" sounds so terribly unladylike) and I arrived at a sobering conclusion.

I would die immediately if I was a Hunger Games tribute.

Here's why.

Reasons I wouldn't stand a chance in the Hunger Games

1. I lack a sense of self-preservation.

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me, but I just have this tendency to forget to look both ways when I cross the street, or to not think that the math building bathrooms at school are pretty terrifying. Example: the other day we were at the park and I was climbing on the playground (naturally) and Cam wanted me to come join him on one of the other platforms. Rather than climb down the stairs and up the ladder, I decided to work my way across the elevated labyrinth of doom, and only when I was nearly finished did I realize that 1) I don't have a good sense of balance, 2) I was about ten feet off the ground, and 3) I would have hurt myself pretty badly if I fell.


2. I don't have any survival skills.

If you've watched either of the Hunger Games movies, you'll remember that the tributes train for some time before the actual games to develop their skills for surviving in the arena. 

But I have no skills whatsoever.

Camouflage - nope. Brute strength - definitely not. Stealth - LOL you're funny. Hunting - no. Traps - no. Super cool knowledge of electricity and all things technology so you can attach copper wire to a tree so that when it gets struck by lightning Katniss can shoot an arrow into the arena dome and basically break the Hunger Games (oops spoiler) - uhhh.

3. I would have no sponsors whatsoever.

I can't think on my feet or be adorable or anything like that when I'm under pressure. So when I was being interviewed by the weird smiley guy for all of Panem to watch LIVE...
I would just totally freeze up and not be charming or anything and nobody would be plugging for me. And then I would be sitting there in the arena trying to Instagram a picture of the nightlock I found ("Gonna make a berry smoothie!! LOL #happyhungergames") and then my phone would die and I would need a charger cable.

And I would have no one to float me a charger cable in one of those magical silver balloons. Because I was uncharming.

4. I have not a lot of pain tolerance.

I can remember probably six different times that Katniss was basically mortally wounded in the arena and just gritted her teeth and survived. Meanwhile, I kicked a dumbbell last night by accident and I cried for ten minutes while cradling my poor toes.

My dad has a bunch of cactus plants in our backyard (because what could possibly go wrong?) and one time I got one of the spikes stuck in my foot. We spent probably thirty minutes sitting in the kitchen with me crying and screaming like I was being murdered (because I sure thought I was) and Dad getting gradually more and more frustrated until he finally ripped the thing out of my foot. And it didn't even hurt that much. I just don't like pain.

5. I can't climb a tree or jump over logs or swim or do anything in a non-clumsy way.

Rather than try to explain this one to you, I'll just show you a few images that should help you understand the extent of my clumsiness and why this would contribute to my ultimate demise.

My first comment when the movie showed the opening of the games where the tributes are all surveying the arena while standing on their little pedestal things that blow up if you move off of them before the official start was, "I would fall off and get blown up before I even had a chance to be brutally murdered..."

6. I'm too polite.

It's a little difficult to kill people when you wouldn't even call them a bad name or cut in front of them in line.

And so yeah. That's why the Hunger Games is not the game for me.

So as far is this is concerned...
Yeah, no. No thanks. I do NOT volunteer as tribute.

No comments:

Post a Comment