I Need Chickfila

Although I didn't know it at the time, my most recent blog post (and I use the word "recent" in a very loose way because it feels like an eternity since I wrote on here) was my last post as a high school student, because I celebrated my high school graduation a little over a week ago.

(Photo by Hartman Photography)

It was a blessing to get to share that milestone with some lifelong friends, as well as some lesslong friends. Friends in general are nice to share milestones with.

I was dumb enough to volunteer -- I mean, I was honored to be asked to give the welcome speech for our homeschool group's graduation ceremony.

During my speech I learned that if you want to recognize honored guests to your audience, it's a good idea to make sure your microphone is actually on. Personally I believe this would have been nice to learn before my speech.

I also learned that you have to be careful putting yourself on auto-pilot when talking to guests after the ceremony, because even though everyone says the same two things ("Congratulations" and "How are you"), they don't always say them in the same order, and responding to "How are you?" with an enthusiastic "Thank you so much!" is super awkward.

Overall I would sum up my high school graduation about the same way I feel I could sum up the rest of my high school experience: "Wait...that's it?" (Or maybe "That was awkward.")

I kept waiting for this:

 But that never came (which honestly is kind of a relief because those ShamWow! commercials were incredibly scary).

While I'm totally okay with high school never quite having lived up to my sort-of expectations, it does leave me wondering if maybe I'm just a late bloomer as far as having great life experiences goes.

I imagine some people would argue that I only feel this way because I continued homeschooling through high school. And I guess there's something to be said from that viewpoint...

I mean, I sure hope I'll be accepted into college even though I never went to prom. I may not even be able to ever get a real job because I just missed out on so many great life experiences during these four crucial years. I think I'm going to be academically and professionally retarded for the rest of my life because I spent my last two years of high school taking college classes rather than getting actual worthwhile experiences like going on lots of pointless and awkward dates.

This is certainly cause for major concern, but I'll let you guys know how everything plays out for me in the coming semester.

(Also, I'm listening to Patrick Doyle's score for the movie Thor at the moment and I definitely recommend it to anybody who shares my belief that music should either make your soul soar or cast it down to the depths of despair (or some other emotional extreme). I especially recommend it to anybody who appreciates how purely beautiful solo sections for cello can be.)

In addition to graduating high school, I had my wisdom teeth removed four days ago, and although this sounds pathetic, at the moment I feel like that had a bigger impact on my life than all of high school.

But then, that's coming from someone who has eaten only mashed potatoes, Spaghettios, pudding, and ice cream for four days.

It sounds good, guys. But IT IS NOT GOOD. I REPEAT. NOT GOOD.

The actual surgery took place Friday morning. I was relaxed and not nervous. The nurse asked if I needed a doctor's note for school and I was all like GURL WHATCHU TALKIN BOUT I'M 2 KEWL 4 SKOOL and then they took me back for surgery.

We've all seen the outrageous videos people post of kids under the effect of laughing gas post-wisdom teeth surgery, and since I'm not generally known to be an especially levelheaded person even normally (which really is confusing to me because I make perfect sense to myself almost 80% of the time), my friends were all very excited to see videos of doped-up Meredith.

Well, I'm sorry to say that I was a magnificent disappointment, because all I did under the laughing gas was go to sleep and have a really odd dream. The best way I can describe my experience tripping on laughing gas is this:

The days following the surgery thus far have been a constant struggle to remember which meds to take at what time, keep my younger siblings away from the popsicles and Sprite, and stay sane without Chickfila. It's been one of the hardest experiences of my life (mostly because of the Chickfila part).

Aaaaand you have just enjoyed the (extremely abridged) exclusive inside scoop, What's Been Up With Mer Lately.

And here's a preview of the exciting upcoming sequel, What's Going To Be Up With Mer If She Can Get Her Life Together and Go To College, coming soon to nowhere at all!

I'm planning to continue my college studies this fall as a piano performance major. I look forward to finally being a "normal" college student and not having to try to explain what dual enrollment is to everyone I meet.

Other than that, I don't really know for sure what I'll be doing in the coming year. Right now I'm kind of just planning to play it by ear (and no, that wasn't a terrible music major joke) and see what happens. While I'm not a thrill-seeker by any means, I must admit I find it slightly exhilarating that I'm going into this next semester with just a hint of delicious uncertainty about what exactly my next steps will be. It's a new and exciting experience for someone who has been accustomed to obsessively figuring out every detail of her life ahead of time.

The other day in church we sang the well-known hymn "Like a River Glorious," which talks about the perfect peace God brings to those who trust Him fully with their lives. I've sung that hymn mindlessly my entire life, but I only actually processed what the words were saying this past Wednesday.

While I certainly don't deserve any credit for what has been accomplished in my life (any good thing I've ever done is only because of God and His grace), I have been so overwhelmed to see that God loves me so much that even though I'm nothing, if I just follow Him, in His sight I'll be good enough to receive amazing and abundant blessings.

Every time I write about trusting God in a blog post I worry that I'm going to sound like a broken record, because I know I say it a lot. But as time goes by, I realize that that repetition is kind of what Christian life is about. Faith is a daily commitment to trust God that He's working things out for our good in His timing. 

With that in mind, any uncertainty about the future fades away. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart; commit your way unto Him and trust Him, and He will act.

Some of my friends still jokingly call me the chillest person on earth, and lately I kind of agree with them. But the only reason I can say that is this:

Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest

Finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.

Sunset musings

My family and I were out running some errands late this afternoon, and at various points all throughout the time we spent driving from place to place I was commenting about how I thought the sunset was going to be pretty tonight. We started heading home and the sun started to set, and I continued making comments about the sunset to come. As often happens when watching pretty skies, as the sky grew prettier, I grew quieter and became pensive. In other words, I started thinking thoughtful thinks.

So now here I am - still peeking out the window every five seconds so as not to miss the beauty of the sky outside - to share those thoughts. (Sunset musings, if you will.)

I've been an avid sunset-chaser for about three years now. My mom has grown accustomed to receiving frantic texts from me as the day starts to draw to an end.

"MOM WE HAVE TO GET TO THE PIER RIGHT NOW TO CATCH THE SUNSET"

"WE SHOULD DRIVE OUT TO THE BEACH TONIGHT TO CATCH THE SUNSET"

"LET'S GO ON A WALK AND CATCH THE SUNSET"

And even though I have various favorite spots around town that I think are especially nice places to enjoy a beautiful Pensacola sunset, when all else fails, I always have my tried and true fallback - the backyard.

Desperate times, folks. Desperate times.

Sunsets are pretty much my favorite thing. Or at least they're very high on the list (perhaps underneath Captain Wentworth and Dunkin Donuts).

As I watch the sunset tonight though, I am reminded of this thought from Hebrews 13: "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

One of the lessons I've learned over my high school years - which end in a week - EEEEP!! I digress... 

One of the lessons I've learned over my high school years is that people come and go, sometimes very unexpectedly. I've been thinking a lot about this as my friendships have changed over the last year especially.

I singled out one thought from many a moment ago as I was watching the beautiful sky, thinking about how many beautiful skies I must have seen in three years of sunset-chasing, thinking of all the different people that I've shared sunsets with, wondering who is in my future to share sunsets with...

No matter who I'm watching the sunset with, the sunset itself will never change.

No matter how much my life may change, or how many people come into my life or leave it, God will always be with me.

God sent the rainbow to Noah as a symbol of His promise.

In the same way, the sunset to me is a daily reminder of God's steadfast love. (And it just so happens to be a beautiful pink reminder - I can't complain!)

As I write these thoughts down, I remember how much I struggled through the last ten months or so, sometimes feeling like there was nothing in my life to be happy about. Even during those times, the sun continued to set in all its beauty and glory and God's love was all around me every day, sometimes the only tiny bit of beauty and pleasantness I could find. (I was a bit melodramatic, so sue me.)

I will sing of the steadfast love of the Lord, forever; with my mouth I will make known your faithfulness to all generations. For I said, "Steadfast love will be built up forever; in the heavens you will establish your faithfulness." (Psalm 89:1-2)

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

PS: I hope you all saw the sunset tonight; it was glorious. ;)

Musings

My senior year is starting to wrap up (and by "wrap up" I mean that I just finished midterms and I still have about a billion things to do, but I'm thinking optimistically (Although technically we're past the halfway point, so anything beyond that should count as wrapping up (also yes, I just inserted a parenthetical statement within a parenthetical statement - I can do whatever I want).)).

I'm what would be called a toe-dipper - I'm not the kind to dive headfirst into much of anything. So as I was tentatively dipping my toes into the raging ocean of all the stuff I need to do to prepare for graduation in less than two months, I got a little bit overwhelmed.

From stressing over math tests to stressing over music competitions to stressing over what dress to buy for graduation to stressing over friends to stressing over...well, you get the idea.

In essence, I'm learning this basic truth about life: It can be very difficult at times.

Sometimes I almost scare myself with how much I think like a guy sometimes. In general, I'm pretty laid back about just about everything. However, I do have occasional lapses, and unfortunately, when I do finally slip into a stereotypical female mood, the emotional deluge I experience would probably remind my fellow Pensacola natives of our friend Ivan from 2004.

Yeah, it's bad.

Stress triggers these emotional hurricanes for me, so I've had several this year. In the midst of one about a month ago, I found such comfort in these words from Lamentations 3.

My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, “My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.” Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”

Over the last month I've thought of that passage many times, and I've thought specifically about several different lines, but yesterday I was thinking about this line: "[His mercies] are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

His mercies are new every morning. Just as each day is new and unique, so are His mercies for that day.

I tend to think with this verse that it means that the day is going to be amazing and I'm always going to have an emotional high and my heart will be overflowing with joy and praise and love for my God.

Not so much...

Sometimes God's mercies are only just what I need to get through the day. Sometimes He gives much more. But the sweet promise is constant: GREAT is His faithfulness. EVERY DAY His mercies are new, never ending.

They who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Some days I'll mount up with wings like an eagle, some days I'll run, and some days I'll walk. But He leadeth me, oh blessed thought.

All the way my Savior leads me;

What have I to ask beside?

Can I doubt His tender mercy,

Who through life has been my guide?

Heav'nly peace, divinest comfort,

Here by faith in Him to dwell!

For I know, whate'er befall me,

Jesus doeth all things well;

For I know, whate'er befall me,

Jesus doeth all things well.

The End (?)

Are you guys sick of me yet?

Clearly not, because you're here. (Which reminds me, if you are still here, I think you're pretty great.)

Anyways, this post is going to be a follow-up to my recent post from exactly one month ago about my decision to get off social media (I mean this one). 

To clarify, yes, I'm back on social media to some extent now, but I'm being careful with it.

Honestly I feel almost like a recovering addict. I'm distinctly aware of how easy it would be to slip back into all of the drama that I was trying to escape, and I really don't want that to happen.

So here are the things that I learned during my hiatus, and how I plan to act accordingly.

1. While I was gone, I got things done in real life.

I didn't even miss getting my daily Facebook fix while I was gone, because I was too busy doing homework and practicing piano and reading good books and reading stupid books and running and going to the gym and drawing and painting and cleaning out my closet and writing and thinking deep thoughts and listening to awesome music and going outside and shopping and drinking coffee and taking pictures just to take pictures without posting them and actually talking to people with my mouth and GUESS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU AREN'T OBSESSED WITH YOUR FAKE INTERNET LIFE?

You start truly living your life in the real world. And the real world is kind of an awesome and beautiful place.

How will this affect my future use of social media? Well, that's easy enough: I'm cutting way back on Internet and getting as much real life as I can.

2. While I was gone, I realized that all I missed was the attention.

Let's face it: social media gives us the chance to make people pay attention to us, and we enjoy that. Getting tons of likes on a post makes me feel important and popular.

But really, how pathetic does that make me?

(Side note: Girls, I promise you are beautiful and valuable. I've been there. I know that if I'm feeling a little down in the dumps, posting a selfie with a witty caption is a surefire way to get tons of immediate validation from all my followers who all totally care about me in real life (*cough* sarcasm *cough*) You don't need scads of likes and shallow compliments, because you shouldn't be measuring your beauty and worth by how much attention you get on Instagram. *steps off soapbox* *steps back onto different soapbox*)

Like I said before, I did a lot of stuff while I was busy not constantly checking Facebook, and while I was doing all this fantastic stuff I discovered a quote from who-knows-who that I thought was interesting. (Dear Who-Knows-Who, I am giving you the best citation I can manage - you would make it easier for me to give credit where credit is due if you would put your name on your work.)

"Your worth is not measured in likes, comments, notes or followers; but in your ability to love, keep comments to yourself, take note and lead." - Who-Knows-Who

Once I got past my frustration with Who-Knows-Who's choice not to utilize the Oxford comma, I realized that I had gotten ridiculously caught up in the numbers involved in social media. I could tell you in a heartbeat which of my Instagram photos has scored the most likes. And while I still think it's cool to get a lot of likes, I'm trying to change my attitude about it. My focus needs to be real people in real life and trying to show real love to real people, not selfishly trying to get followers that I don't even know to like pictures that don't even matter.

So how am I dealing with this? Mainly I'm just trying to be conscious about the motives behind my posts being right. I'm specifically trying not to have such an elitist attitude about my Instagram feed. Maybe one of these days I'll even post a #nofilter photo... I'm also cutting back on how much I check my Instagram. (This was accomplished almost involuntarily when I downloaded that Disney Tsum Tsum game and became immediately, hopelessly addicted.)

3. While I was gone, I missed some important stuff.

It wouldn't be fair of me to only bash social media. While I was gone I definitely noticed some things about it that were beneficial and made my life a little easier. For example, I've been in charge of planning events for my graduating class, and I missed some time-sensitive communications from folks in the group who didn't have any other way to contact me. Different social media sites offer some great ways to make easy connections with people, and that's generally a good thing.

Plus, we all know Facebook is the number one way to confirm someone's relationship status. Who knows how many engagements and officially-becoming-a-things I missed in a month? (A brief note here: This one is 50/50 in my book because there's a fine line between legitimate curiosity and downright nosiness.)

I know that for "business purposes", I kind of need to be on Facebook so I'm available to people. But I also have a tendency to get carried away on Facebook. One thing leads to another, and before I know it, a "quick check" turns into a two-hour stalkfest. 

How I chose to deal with this is that I chose not to give myself easy access to Facebook from my phone. I do have the Facebook messenger on my phone so I don't miss any important messages anymore, but in forcing myself to either get on the computer or use my phone's snail-paced Internet browser, I've managed to eliminate almost all desire to check Facebook. I generally get on once or twice a day now. (So if I like something you post, either I'm totally stalking you or your post just happened to show up at the very top of my news feed.)

Those are the three big things that I realized about my social media use during my break. Despite the fact that I'm back now, taking a complete break for a few weeks was wonderfully refreshing. I would highly recommend some time away to anyone who is interested to get a new perspective on social media use. I hold true to my previous statement that the most important thing to keep in mind is that social media sites create an artificial environment. Once you start having more of your interactions in real life, it becomes obvious how little worth those Internet connections truly have.

I honestly feel like this is a huge issue that a lot of people struggle with, so I sincerely hope that something that I've said will strike a chord with someone, and that I'll be able to help in some small way.

I think this will be the last post about my whole journey with social media self-discovery and all (I'm still not a hippie, I promise). I imagine you guys are ready for me to talk about something else already (I know I am). This has been kind of a fun little venture into the world of serious blogging, but I do hope to return to more light-hearted topics in the near future. *much rejoicing*

Until then, everyone's assignment is to go outside and do something cool - and not Instagram about it.

Unprepared

I would never tell you I'm a procrastinator, but I'm starting to think my subconscious is. I generally do some sort of post that tips its virtual hat to traditional New Year's goings on.

(This is what the virtual hat looks like, in case you were wondering. Dapper monocle dog not included.)

However, I have generally done this hat-tipping post a little closer to January 1st... Generally by now I've already given up on any silly resolutions that I've made and I'm so over the new year.

HOWEVER

I'm actually still pretty excited about this year. Even though school starts this week and I'm having difficulty coping with that, I think this will be an interesting year (hopefully in a good way).

(Oh and in case my last gargantuan post scared you, this one will be as short and to the point as I can manage - fear not.)

I know I have some big and scary things ahead of me this year, but what really intimidates me about this coming year is that not only will I be dealing with some pretty big stuff, no matter how thoroughly I think I have prepared for my future, I still know not what a day may bring forth. And if there's one thing I hate, it's not knowing what I'm doing. Nothing throws me like being in an unfamiliar situation and not knowing what to expect or what's expected of me.

As I consider how clueless I really am about my future, I think about the story of Job in the Bible. I doubt if Job woke up one day and thought, "Wow, today is the day that God will take away the people I love most and all of my worldly possessions, casting me into such deep depression that I resent the day that I was born."

It certainly hasn't been my experience that God lets me know every struggle that I'll face ahead of time. But I also don't think that I want to know.

One common characteristic among humans is a blissful lack of awareness of how weak we are. This combined with "common sense" telling us to prepare for our future as much as possible leads me to the conclusion that if we knew everything we would have to deal with ahead of time, we would foolishly try to handle it in our own strength. 

And undoubtedly, we would fail.

So even if Job had known ahead of time how God was going to try him, what could he have done differently that would have helped? (Trick question - the answer is nothing.)

I've read a lot of stories about people who have accomplished amazing things, and it always strikes me kind of funny when one of those people says, "I didn't know it couldn't be done, so I just did it!"

I feel like that's kind of how we should approach our uncertain future. Yeah, there are going to be things dropped on me that I'm not expecting right now. (Mainly because all I'm expecting right now is to struggle through calculus class, make an idiot of myself in public speaking, graduate in May, and start college in the fall - so there's lots of room in my year for unexpected situations.)

We don't know what's going to happen, so we can't possibly know how to prepare for it completely.

But returning to Job, here's something I can know.

Behold, I go forward, but he is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive him; on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him; he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him. But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold. My foot has held fast to his steps; I have kept his way and have not turned aside. I have not departed from the commandment of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food. But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind. (Job 23:8-14)

My Savior is faithful, and His strength is made perfect to me in weakness. The Bible even teaches us to rejoice in our infirmities because Christ is magnified in us when we're weak.

Luck may favor the prepared, but God favors those who trust in Him.

So yes, I'm a leetle nervous about what might happen this year, but I also realize that while God will do what He will do, I won't have to handle it alone. Which is good, because I'm starting to realize that I'm kind of bad at things that are actually important.

I'm going to rip off last year's hat-tipping post and continue my decision that rather than making resolutions for the new year, I'm going to focus on a principle that I really want to remember through this year. 

I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. (Psalm 77:11-12)

God is always faithful.