Perfectly Imperfect

I was watching the sunset tonight, which is not at all an unusual thing for me to do. What was unusual though, was that I was feeling quite melancholy staring up at the beautiful, rosy hues in the sky.

Sunsets always bring a flood of memories for me. They've usually been pleasant, sometimes with a hint of sweet, naive longing. Tonight was different, though. The memories were painful and overwhelming to the point that all I could do was cry. The colors in the sky blurred together like a watercolor painting as my eyes filled with tears. Still I watched the sky, holding on to the hope that I always feel when watching sunsets. The picture was unclear, but still beautiful.

Have you ever noticed that the most beautiful sunsets are not the ones with perfectly clear skies? The most beautiful sunsets - like tonight's - are the ones that are clouded and have some dark places. Tonight, the sun's rays lit up the underside of the clouds, illuminating even the darkest of clouds with a stunning golden light.

God can do the same thing with the dark places in our lives if we just let Him. There's no shame in being real and admitting that we're broken and confused and hurting - the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

As I looked at the perfectly imperfect sky tonight, it made me think of my life right now. The past has some dark places and hard memories, and as I look ahead with tears in my eyes, the future is unclear. But my life is one of God's creations, and because of that I can know that it's going to be beautiful.

An Austen Man is Hard to Find

I'm pretty sure Jane Austen was a time-traveler.

How else could her stories be obviously 18th century and yet still so accurately reflective of our modern-day dramas?

Consider Mr. Elton from Emma. Haven't we all known that I'm-God's-Gift-To-Women guy who just can't imagine why you wouldn't be honored – no, indeed, flattered – to go out with him? Wait...you were just being nice? What? You're not interested? Oh well, no big deal, he'll just keep hunting until he finds a female desperate enough to accept his – Oh look! He's already changed his relationship status on Facebook.
And surely we've all known a Lydia Bennet – she is the 18th century definition of a basic white girl. I can guarantee if Pride & Prejudice (to ampersand or not to ampersand?) were set during modern times, Lydia would have an on fleek Instagram feed covered in the latest Starbucks fraps and just crawling with adorable officers for every last #mcm. And heaven forbid she would EVER miss Selfie Sunday.

I often find myself relating to Knightley when he learns of Frank Churchill's happy situation after playing with everybody's emotions and being dishonest to all: “He has used every body ill – and they are all delighted to forgive him. He is a fortunate man indeed!”

Sigh. Life seems really unfair sometimes, doesn't it, Knightley?

The list goes on and on.

I don't know if this is just me (I certainly HOPE it's not just me), but every time I read an Austen novel or watch one of the film adaptations, I find myself comparing all of the characters' conflicts and squabbles and relationships to ones that I know in real life, and vice versa. The closeness of the comparisons is sometimes almost scary. Normally I do it just for entertainment and I'm able to keep it fun and harmless. However, in one aspect I have discovered that comparing my life to a Jane Austen novel can be very, very dangerous.

Because what do you do when Darcy turns out to be Willoughby?

One of the things that makes Jane Austen's novels so enjoyable is her ability to create most excellent male protagonists – the heroes (or villains, in some cases).

Austen men are ruggedly handsome, chivalrous, kind, well-dressed, eloquent in speech and writing, and most importantly – single and in possession of a good fortune. (Or at the very least, some combination of at least two of those qualities.)

Unfortunately, my bestie Jane apparently had her share of encounters with boys who are just downright not nice. From the players to the snobs to the even worse snobs, she has all these guys pegged.
Fitzwilliam Darcy is possibly the most famous of all of Austen's male heroes. I'm honestly a little confused as to why he's so popular, because obviously Frederick Wentworth is far superior a man. But I digress; either way, Darcy is considered to be sort of the ideal brooding stoic. So I'm not sure if all the girls who go on and on about how wonderful he is are just blissfully ignorant of that or what, but let's just say that I doubt Darcy would deal well with “Babe, we need to talk.”

But at least Darcy realized his mistakes and fessed up to them. He managed to set his pride aside and admit that he was wrong and that he had used Elizabeth ill. Even though Darcy's first priority initially appears to be himself, it soon becomes clear that his duty is to honor first of all. He may have made some mistakes, but he made them while trying to do the right thing, not while trying to further advance himself.
Let's switch books for a second and go to Sense and Sensibility and John Willoughby. Willougby was once described to me as simply “a cad.”

I couldn't possibly come up with a better description.

Willoughby swoops in on Marianne, who is the epitome of naive romanticism, and woos her with sweet words and promises of a future together. But then, out of nowhere and with no explanation, he disappears, abandoning Marianne and breaking her heart. Eventually we find out that Willoughby's family was unhappy with his attachment to Marianne and forced him to break it off so that he could find someone with a larger dowry. True to form, Willoughby fails to acknowledge his wrong to Marianne, choosing instead to avoid her, leaving her confused and questioning if he still has feelings for her, if he ever had feelings for her, and what she could have done to change his feelings so drastically. His situation finally becomes clear when Marianne unluckily happens to see him being romantically associated with a silly and foolish – but rich – girl at a ball. Apparently Willoughby's family is less concerned with the actual character and depth to a person and more concerned with outward appearance of good status (when really they haven't seen the true form). A lot of people feel bad for Willoughby because they think he felt like he was stuck and had no choice. Personally I feel bad for Miss Grey, his betrothed, because she thinks she's getting a prize, but sooner or later the truth about Willoughby will come out, and she's going to feel like a fool.

One positive thing about Willoughby is that it cannot possibly be denied he truly did care for Marianne at one point. However, he really had no business pursuing her when he knew that it couldn't work out, so that really only shows his immaturity and a lack of self control. Willoughby's actions show his true character, and it becomes clear that his dashing demeanor and grand speeches of romantic adoration and old-fashioned chivalry were just a facade to cover up his inner cadness.

Marianne should take heart though, because as Mr. Knightley so wisely said,

Willoughby clearly has no sense.

As bad as it is just to have had to deal with Willoughby alone, it's a whole lot worse when you think you're dealing with Darcy – someone who might appear arrogant and condescending but is really noble and honorable and can be trusted to do the right thing – and you end up dealing with Willoughby – a selfish, pathetic cad with no backbone, easily turned by shallow distractions when things get hard.

Talking about being honorable means nothing when you then turn around and compromise all those standards you claim to hold yourself to just so you can have some easy fun. Someone who will so quickly depart from things that are good and honorable doesn't deserve to have anything better.

So I've given up on Mr. Darcy, and heaven knows I'm not interested in Willoughby. Maybe there's still a Knightley or a Wentworth out there for me. Who knows? A good man - an Austen man - is hard to find.

One thing I know is true though, as long as I keep my holding myself to higher standards of character, there's someone out there for me who does the same for himself – truly and consistently, not halfheartedly just so he can fool most people.

Even if your Darcy turns out to be a Willoughby (or even an Elton, heaven forbid), hold fast and know that good things come to those who wait. Very rarely did the Austen heroines end up with their perfect man without much time and heartache.

And no matter what happens, we can all be glad that we don't end up with Mr. Collins.

Sophrosyne

So there's been something troubling me for almost the entire year now, and since I believe that oftentimes those little nagging feelings are really the Holy Spirit showing me a spot in my life that I need to investigate, I've done a lot of thinking and praying about it. I kind of already settled this for myself back in May, but the issue is something that I face almost on a daily basis, and consequently, I don't think it could hurt to revisit it.

While many people desire to be thought of as pretty or funny or smart (all good things), I've always had a weirder ambition - I want people to think I'm nice. This reputation is something I've been pursuing for several years, and although I think I pretty much achieved it a long time ago, I knew I wasn't being sincere. I don't know for sure when I became aware of it, but I realized that the very same people that I would greet with hugs and compliment to no end in public often became the victims of vicious gossip in private. Luke 6 says that our mouths speak out of the abundance of our hearts; if our hearts are full of good things, we will speak good things, and vice versa. So if only bad things were coming out of my mouth, what did that say about the state of my heart?

My close friends have probably heard me say before that I hate girls. I say that because we have such a tendency to be petty and catty and just straight up mean and malicious. In addition to that, in general we really like to talk. The combination of these two attributes is a recipe for disaster.

There are two quotes that I've seen that have really stuck with me as I've dealt with my own tendency to talk badly about people behind their backs. The first is this: "Confidence is silent, but insecurities are loud." This caused me to investigate the real reason for why I felt the need to talk badly about so many people. If I was talking about how annoying someone else was, was it because I really was worried that all my friends secretly thought that I was annoying too? What was I hoping to accomplish? Every time I put someone down, it made me feel a little more superior and a little more superior. I mean, obviously I must be cooler/smarter/funnier than them if I can see fault in them.

But this is such a foolish way to gain confidence. A confidence built by tearing others down is unstable and fragile - merely a facade that could crumble away with any blow. Rather than dwelling on the faults of others, we should be focusing on our own faults and improving them. The confidence that comes from working to improve your own character is what will last even through times of insecurity.

The second quote has really helped me more in evaluating my friendships than it has me personally (although it has also helped me be a better friend, I hope) It basically says that anyone who will talk badly to you about others will just as soon talk badly to others about you. I have since found this to be true, and it can be very hurtful. I don't want to have that kind of friend, and I certainly don't want to be that kind of friend.

This summer I became aware of how odious it is when someone is constantly talking badly about other people, and I decided that I don't want to be that way. I especially don't want to be that way only in private and cause people to think something of me that I don't deserve. Even though at the time there were still a lot of bad things in my heart, as I started trying to control what I let out of my mouth, the bad things started to be replaced by good. I'm thankful that God has helped me get to a point where I can be sincerely nice to people. 

The ancient Greek culture was one that valued honorable behavior and had a concept called "sophrosyne", which was considered to be the epitome of good character. Someone who has sophrosyne is sober-minded and has control over themselves through a knowledge of their own strengths and weaknesses. From the oracle of Delphi - which had a major influence on religious beliefs in this period of time - came numerous sayings (many of which contain similar principles to the Ten Commandments) which became guidelines for how to achieve sophrosyne. One of the most famous of these is simply, "Know thyself." In the Greek culture this was a reminder to not build yourself up beyond what you truly are - know your weaknesses.

Romans 12 contains much wisdom on this matter: 

"I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment..."

"Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor."

"Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all."

Whether it means that I'm being nice, that I have Greek sophrosyne, or whatever else, ultimately I want my behavior to be honorable and to reflect well on my Savior. I know that saying unkind things about other people is not edifying, and even worse is not pleasing to God. Sometimes it can be really difficult, and my decision to avoid this kind of conversation has really hurt some of my friendships, but I know that in due season I will reap rewards if I don't give up on doing good. 

It is always worth it to do the right thing.

University of Kanye

As many of you know, I started college on Monday, and as this is apparently a semi-big deal (?), I figured I would write a post for you all and let you know my thoughts.

Most people aren't familiar with the school I'm going to, though, so to make this post #relatable, I'm making up a pseudonym to make things more exciting. So here are my thoughts on college life after three days at the University of Kanye (enhanced with Kanye in various forms, naturally).

LET'S GET STARTED.

My thoughts on college life after three days:

1. Most teachers seem to relish seeing the terror struck into their students' hearts when the phrase
"Let's get to know each other a little better" leaves their mouths. When one of my teachers showed up with an entire PowerPoint presentation devoted to ice breaker questions for the morning, at first I was like

And then I have to admit I started looking for an escape route. (but it turned out to be super fun actually so yay)

One of my teachers actually gave us the assignment of writing a paper about ourselves - who we are and what we hope to accomplish in life - in an effort to "get to know us better".

And I mean honestly I think I got a little carried away maybe...

But nonetheless, I thought that was kind of a cool way to go about "getting to know each other" while managing to avoid awkward in class activities.

2. Why are there always annoying people everywhere no matter what? I'm generally a pretty nice person, but honey, if we just met and you've been oversharing with me for the last ten minutes while I respond almost exclusively with "Oh cool!" or "Wow!" and then I pull out my phone and you start flipping out because there are suction cups on the inside of my case and then you get all grabby with my phone case/wallet which has my phone and my cash and all my ID cards inside of it... DON'T BE SURPRISED IF THIS HAPPENS.

Assuming my unavoidable stereotypical social ineptitude as a former homeschooler, if I can tell that your behavior is socially unacceptable, you should be very ashamed of yourself. I would love to talk to you and be a friendly human being, but please don't get grabby with my important personal items.

3. In conjunction with my first day of college, I did my first mostly independent grocery shopping trip, and what I learned is that while it may make you feel like a responsible adult to buy vegetables, yogurt, and granola bars for your lunches, when it comes down to it, you have to actually eat the stuff you buy, and later in the week when you no longer have that "I just bought vegetables as an independent adult" high and all you want is junk food and all you have is cucumber slices? You will be unhappy. BUY GOLDFISH CRACKERS. (this is actually always good life advice)

YOLO.

So yeah. Three thoughts for three days of school because one thought a day is really just about as much as I can handle. Also, everyone should consider the University of Kanye because it's like, super fly. And to all of you guys, I hope your lives are absolutely awesome right now, and remember:

I have no idea what I'm doing

Summer is drawing to a close, and honestly I could not be happier. Tomorrow will be my first day as an official college student, which is only mildly terrifying. I think I would be much more anxious had I not dual enrolled for two years already. One of the questions that adults like to ask me a lot is "What part of being a college student are you most looking forward to?"

Honestly, I'm just excited that I'm not going to have to try to explain dual enrollment to everyone anymore, because that always got overly complicated.

Person: So what year are you in school?
Me: Well, I'm technically a freshman in college, but I'm also a junior in high school.
Person: *looks confused* Well um. Isn't that different.

Starting college really doesn't feel like that big of a deal to me. Maybe it's because I'm taking almost exclusively music classes, which I feel pretty comfortable with. Or maybe it's because I'm an idiot. Or maybe a combination of the two.

Even though I don't necessarily recommend that anyone take advice from me about how to do life, one thing that has really helped me was realizing that I don't have any idea what I'm doing. As I was growing up I cultivated kind of an elitist mindset within myself, which I think came from feigning confidence at all the music competitions I did throughout the years. I got used to people thinking I was a big fish without even stopping to consider the size of the pond I was swimming in (let me just tell you, the pond was very small indeed). Thusly, I got to thinking that I kind of knew what was up and thought I was hot stuff. Aaaand then I had to start applying to college and registering for classes and buying textbooks and looking for a job and doing other adulty things while also finishing up high school, practicing piano, and trying to maintain a normal life aside from all that.

I quickly came to realize that not only is life very difficult and often requires a lot of paperwork, but also that I do not, in fact, have the slightest clue what I'm doing.

And even worse, I had to admit that there are other people out there who actually know better than I do! *gasps of shock and horror*

Even though it was kind of humbling for me initially to ask people for help (because asking someone for help is a nonverbal recognition of the fact that they know more than you do), now I've learned that most people are willing and happy to help you out in a very kind way.

If I had decided to continue pretending that I know what's up, there's a good chance I would be a lot stupider than I am now.

Basically what I've learned already this semester is that before you can get your life together, you have to admit to yourself that you don't have a clue, and then let people help you figure things out.

So maybe it is a little dorky that I still want my mom to go walk around campus with me while I try to find my classrooms for the first day (even though I only have classes in two buildings), but I really don't care. It makes no sense to go into an institution of higher learning thinking that you have it all figured out. The whole point of being there is to learn new things and find your own personal strengths (and weaknesses) and to grow as a person and flourish. So admit to yourself that you don't know everything and you're going to need help along the way, and don't be embarrassed about needing help sometimes, because trust me - everyone else does, too.

So even though I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm very excited to do it anyway, and I hope all of you (if you're still out there for me) will have an amazing, clueless semester!